Really struggled with this one this week. I kept trying to turn this soundscape at the beginning into something different, and it was just not working. I tried several times to transition this into different things, and each time I ended up frustrated. I finally got it to something I kinda like, but I realized something important in the process.
‹ Something I have a hard time talking about so I'm going to spoiler it.
I have a hard time feeling like I am worthy or deserving of good things or positive attention. This extends to my music, and I've shared in previous weeks some of my reflections on that. The responses I have received over the last several weeks have been so kind and encouraging, and I have sincerely cherished every one. You have all been so generous, and it really has been touching, but the temptation has been so strong grab onto those encouragements and to try to build some sense of worth and meaning out of them. That won't work, and leaves me feeling anxious and even less less worthy.
I don't think I struggled so much this week because I didn't like the simple ambient soundscape I felt stuck with. I struggled so much because I was afraid you all wouldn't like it. I don't think that'd ever manifest in people being unkind or dismissive—you all seem far too generous for that. But I still was (and am) afraid. Maybe no one would care about it or engage with it. Maybe I'll fade back into complete obscurity, largely ignored (where I often feel like I deserve and belong).
But I don't want to feel like that. I want to be real. I want to share with you all because I want both to know you and be known. I want to communicate with you through our music, not simply derive validation and security from you. I still want to be real, and I hope you'll do the same.
So this is what I've got. It started with this sparkly and wobbly little TEO-5 pad layered on top of a Norns tape recording, where barcode mangled that same pad, with a TEO-5 arp on top. I eventually got it to turn into at least a passable synthwave track, and while I am not completely satisfied, it felt like it was time to move on. I do hope you enjoy it, but I'm going to share it and do my best not to worry about it. Have a good week 