Hi, long time no see.

Last time i was here, was fading in spirit because my dad was diagnosed with liver cancer, and now, as of October, he has died.
Made this track in under 5 hours this morn'. I had to include some passage about Homeland Security, they contacted me asking why my mom was spending so much(they were worried she's being defrauded, which she still might be...), and after talking with her, realized i don't want to be involved in some telephone conference with HomelandSecurity when i barely get along with her, so got back to them and told them 'i'm not involved in any of her decisions'(so they then conferenced with her by herself). This whole thing makes me a bit flustered: i'd like to deal with my father's passing in grace and honor, but my mother is exposing me to some pettiness i don't need to be involved in, right at a very inappropriate time.
Thank you for letting me give you this bit of TMI.
It's good to get family weirdness off my chest. My dad was a great man(his marriage, not so much(BAAAhahahahaha! XD)). Separately, tangentially, yet with amazingly applicable synchronicity, i'm reading books by the feminist, 'bell hooks', like "The Will To Change", "All About Love", "Communion", and "Ain't I A Woman". As a result, i'm realizing i need to be patient with my mother because she is somewhat a victim of patriarchy(but also, somewhat complacent in it...). At the same time, i also think she's a bit of a religious fanatic(sits and prays in a prayer room about 2-4 hours a day, and given that i often hear her grumbling to herself like a mad person, even while i was very young, i don't think it really counts as 'prayer' or 'meditation' all the time, i think she actually practices complaining to herself in there). This makes things EXTRA confusing for me, as it's difficult to tell where the problem lies exactly: how much has patriarchy hurt her, how much has her religious fanaticism caused her to choose patriarchy without even being aware of it, and how much is caused by just the ignorance of religious superstition? And should I even bother to figure any of this out, it's a bit too late to help her if she's not even going to grow aware of any of it? And should i even be writing this shit on weeklybeats? y'all will think to yerselves: "damn, if his parents are like this, Raja must be a horrible mess"(and it's true, i am...)... but i'm not really the same kind of mess as my parents were y'know? I'm a WHOLE DIFFERENT MESS! I LIKE my mess.
I don't like my parent's mess. They aren't as often 'genuine' with themselves. Why do we need to honor 'family' if we don't feel honored by them?
I will honor my father as an individual person for helping so many people(he retired practicing medicine as a philanthropist doctor, going all over the world to places like Palestine, Afghanistan, Niger, Mexico, Venezuela, India, etc. to give free surgery to people who couldn't afford it...).
But i don't need to honor my relationship to either of them, do i really? We didn't really have a 'relationship'. We had a 'scheduled organization'. I got through my schedule, which was whatever they deemed appropriate for the raising of a child, and then I didn't really connect on any other level, other than wanting to get away from them. They fought with each other, ALOT! I don't understand why people stay married 'for the children'(as they say) if children suffer more from their dysfunctional relations. But all in all, I guess i'm feeling strong: my dad died a few months ago, and i'm confident i know how to keep my head up(despite having no 'family' that necessarily shows/encourages me to do so).
Now that he's dead, it made me wonder if I should even consider my own life as mattering much, and then I got an email from jwh(joshua wayne hensley) two days ago or so asking if i was ok(which i need to reply to at some point, sorry Josh)... so that reminded me that if i did disappear, then there would be some people who might actually notice: HERE ON WEEKLY BEATS! (but only here, nowhere else) So good news! Weeklybeats has become my sole purpose for carrying on... (at least for now)... i WILL participate in 2026! So obviously, that means i have to stay the course and try to actually deal with all this weirdness(instead of like, going off into the wilderness, for example, and perhaps attempting to... "GrizzlyMan" it until my untimely death by poisonous plant life ).
Thank you for saving my life, Joshua Wayne Hensley, and WeeklyBeats!

Also.... my dad is dead.

Tags: dad, dead, horrible, song, week 51 2024, View by:RajaTheResidentAlien