This was a very different workflow compared to everything else I've done so far this year. I have a super old (and very out of tune) upright piano, and I turned on a field recorder and recorded something half-planned. I did some processing on the audio on my iPad, mostly just some delay (otherdesertcities) tape emulation (tapescam) and reverb (eventide blackhole). I brought a few different wet/dry versions into reaper for a little more reverb and some light mastering. This intentionally was very raw, the pops and sounds and stuff are intentional (or at least, not unintentional)
‹ Messy lame emotional details that I'll spoiler to spare anyone who doesn't care 
Oof. This is another one that I'm pretty much finishing right after an EMDR session. I'd had some vague inklings of pieces of it before— was thinking of doing something less produced and more ambient on synths, but I finished my therapy session and pretty much went right to the piano with the field recorder.
I dug deep this session, and there's a lot there, but a lot of it is that I've never actually taken the time to deal with a lot of things. For my whole life, I've compartmentalized and joked and employed a variety of different adaptive (and maladaptive) strategies, but I've never really faced it all. What came out today is that I largely haven't faced it because some of these things feel so unbelievable and outlandish that they don't seem real. If they don't seem like they could be real or believed, how could they be valid? How can I believe myself if no one would ever believe me? I know these painful meories are real—I was there, I experienced them, but I don't even know how I can begin to look at or process these things when they feel like a fairy tale, soap opera, or some other stupid exaggeration. Reprocessing things today helped some. There was some catharsis, and while there's still this internal debate as to whether my feelings/these things that have happened are real/valid/worthy, the question has been verbalized, and the work of reprocessing can really begin.
During the session, this scene from the film Pig came up for me (I cannot overstate my recommendation for this film—it is a literal masterpiece and you should watch it). As I reflect on this scene, I want to, like he says, see myself, and show myself. So with this track, rather than trying to make it "perfect" (what I think everyone would like or acknowledge is "good"), I wanted to make something authentic. What I experienced is real, and I want to be real. So here is my real track. It's simple: I'm not that good at piano; it's it's not very fancy; there's lots of room noise; the progression is simple; and there are no complex parts. It's flawed, but it's real, and I think it's beautiful. It feels scary (but good) to show you all myself, and to be seen. I've really appreciated the kind words and support you all have left on my other tracks.
Be well, friends 
