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WeeklyBeats.com / Music / RajaTheResidentAlien's music / limbodmil

limbodmil

By RajaTheResidentAlien on February 18, 2024 2:47 am

limbodmil = 'limbo' but then spelled in a sort of palindrome way.
found out 3 weeks ago, my father has terminal liver cancer(was keeping it on the under here in my descriptions... week before last wrote about being depressed, last week pretended to be 'ford tough' tongue ... but this week, maybe just admit it to myself)... although we aren't extremely close, he's a great and kind person, and i feel grateful to have been given the gift of life by him and my mom. and my mom has been struggling with leukemia for awhile too, so it feels like i've been preparing myself to face death in many forms for more than a decade now(they've both been up and about, though, as if perfectly fine, so it's not like a clearcut thing... even now...).
right now i'm depressed, stressed, feeling discombobulated, but also slightly numb and energized by a low-lying anxiety... my fam is also a weird one, my parents came from india during independence(they have told violent stories of mob riots where they lived in kolkata, and they have more of a philanthropic sense of work-ethic and service as a result, not all about profit, but also, not all about enjoying life to the fullest, either, like life is sometimes forced to be here in the states... where everything is so hard-driven, like there's no tomorrow... i end up appreciating some sort of middle-ground as a result)... the sense of closeness between us all in my family is more born of a sense of duty, on my part even just a duty to survive and be present, so whenever i talk to them, there isn't much common ground anymore to relate across this generational/international/cross-cultural gap. i just feel this duty to honor them, but it's not a very comfortable existence when i'm around them. hard to describe(and i've only seen the rest of my family just a few sparse times in my life, all scattered across the world - i can't relate... to my 'relat'ives). family has never been easy and the concept of home is definitely very nebulous to me.
i definitely feel the need to say: having met so many others who are facing similar problems with (relating to) family... as the new direction of the world seems to be towards decentralization, the most difficult part, may just be, the decentralization of our sense of family... we are no longer in the 'nuclear' age, we are in a more 'quantum & rhizomatic' one. our notion of family must now expand to become less hierarchically sheltered, and instead, more all-inclusive.

i feel like i'm in limbo. (but i will try not to 'trauma dump' too much on these weeklybeats descriptions, just once, need to mark the occasion of how i feel... thank you, reader, for your patience)

so this year might be a difficult one to keep up with, but i'll keep doing my best.
didn't feel like doing much this week. but got a max patch done a few hours spent on saturday night... not much but at least it's a beat with some elements, ha...
the max patch might be interesting to some folks who use max/msp, tho... i learned some tricks to fatten up my drums with saturation(and the algorithmic generation of rhythms using timings sent to what~ object, is simple but effective as well... plus, the filter-poppy sounds come from a 'sinc' wave/function... generated from the 'sin' function(not read from a table)... this function is often used as the convolution-kernel for digital-filters... sort of intuitively makes sense to my ears that it appears as a filter-popping sound while triggered like an oscillator)... with the time and energy i could give this week, and the fact that it's a max patch that others can tweak, hoping to excuse myself a little for a lame effort this week.

but we're all still alive! mad
so keep those spirits up and those beats slammin' heart

› heres_the_max_patch


Audio works licensed by author under:
CC0 Creative Commons Zero (Public Domain)

February 19, 2024 12:52 am

emily


may you be held in this time of limbo in a space of gentleness Raja heart

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February 19, 2024 1:04 am

Cosmic Cairns

Sorry to hear about your father and the toll it's taking on you.  Even in the best of circumstances I think families and family dynamics are complicated as heck.  I hope that music can be cathartic for you in these limbo times, but if taking time away feels necessary, that's entirely understandable, too.  Sending good vibes your way.

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February 19, 2024 8:37 am

jimmac

Sound fx wizard kitchen.

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February 19, 2024 12:08 pm

rplktr

I'm sorry about the illness.

When I was in my early 20s, I thought I was rational and mature, and stuff like a death in the family wouldn't affect me much. I mean, everybody passes away at some point, right?

Then, a few years later, my father had a stroke. For a while there, we weren't sure he'd make it. I shattered into pieces, because only then, having this first-hand experience, was I able to internalize what terminal loss really is. I used to be so sure and definite, but after all that, I changed.

My father slowly recovered, but it made me realize how short life is, and how fragile. I wish you and your family the best of luck in fighting cancer.

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February 19, 2024 1:53 pm

horatiuromantic

came here to comment cause the track caught my ear. love the blip blups. sounded like modular synth but cool to read a bit how it was made in max msp.

sorry to hear about your father. it must be tough. I have been through a similar scare, tho we were blessed that he recovered from it. something like this teaches (or reminds) about what's important in life. sending virtual hugs and hope you remain strong through it.

i definitely feel the need to say: having met so many others who are facing similar problems with (relating to) family... as the new direction of the world seems to be towards decentralization, the most difficult part, may just be, the decentralization of our sense of family... we are no longer in the 'nuclear' age, we are in a more 'quantum & rhizomatic' one. our notion of family must now expand to become less hierarchically sheltered, and instead, more all-inclusive.


this resonates with me a lot. well said. I'm not sure what it means for me but it's good food for thought.

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February 20, 2024 1:17 am

george bowles

You're one of my favorite artists in here, love to hear your work and story. I have lost both of my parents and life definitely feels discombobulated and at least a little morbidly absurd. Music being my primary direction as my partner and I are struggling with health and money, music is keeping us going.

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February 20, 2024 4:46 pm

Tone Matrix

Sorry to hear what you and your family are going through.  While not for the same reasons I can def relate to the feelings you're having.  That stressed low lying feeling of anxiety.  As I read that the therapeutic bubbling nature of limbodmil was coming thru.  In my personal experience the beauty of WB is not only sharing your music with like-minded musicians but also being able to share the innermost thoughts and feelings that lead to these weekly adventures.  In taking other WBers advice myself, don't be too hard on yourself with the deadlines and just let it flow when it comes naturally.  Sending positive vibes your way fraind.

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February 21, 2024 6:26 am

rdomain

Sorry to hear but amazing you're still able to create.  I did a similar thing when my dad passed with a song created and recorded on that day.

Music rules and keep cranking out those Max patches.  Hopefully it'll inspire me to fire up some max patching again.

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February 23, 2024 9:59 pm

Jason Nijjer

Sorry to hear about your parents, it is always difficult to deal and cope with these situations.  I think just telling your story and writing down how you feel can help.  I can relate with the being lost as to where you fit in, my Parents were also displaced during India’s independence and moved to Canada.  I was born here but most my family is also spread out around the world and most were born in India.  I’m fortunate that I do have a close relationship with my parents but not much in common with the rest of my family.  Sending nothing but positive vibes your way.

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February 25, 2024 12:31 am

Kedbreak136

I am sorry to hear that. Having lost my father recently to cancer too, I can deeply relate to the feelings, as if  a deep underground ocean was boiling. This is what the track sounded like to me. Our modern lives have indeed exploded the core family, with both good aspects but also a loss of the sense of community, or at least making it harder to achieve, especially in western societies. I wish you and your family a lot of strength to go through these deep emotions and difficult times.

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February 25, 2024 1:16 am

fetalface

Wishing you and your folks the best. Your reflections resonate, you're not alone!

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February 26, 2024 4:51 am

littlebigmosaic

Thanks for sharing and reflecting with us. Your comfort in doing so speaks to the warmth of our big family that is WeeklyBeats. Upload is nebulous and bubbly in all the right ways. Space bubble robot ASMR to tickle my brain. Sending peace and love. -Adam

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February 28, 2024 11:02 pm

miraclemiles

Sending much love your way in a time of limbo! Thank you for sharing here with the WB fam. Like fetalface said, you are not alone! Thank you for sharing this gurgling bubbling "Space bubble robot ASMR" max patch!

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March 1, 2024 2:00 am

alterationx10

When the song started, I loved the pop/crackle sounds - it kind of made me think of a fireplace crackling. Reading your story, with your song in the background, fit so well. Like a discussion in front of a flame; it burning hot, and cold, and quite, and loud, all as the heat dances in ways we can't see. Thank you for sharing your song and your story.

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March 4, 2024 5:47 am

ViridianLoom

Hey Raja, sorry I've missed your tune from this week and didn't see your post. I was wondering where you were. I think it's good that you're taking a step back to process stuff going on in your world right now. WB will always be here for you when you're ready to come back and blow off some steam or have some fun.
I can relate to how you're feeling. My dad had cancer back in 2020 that has left him with pulmonary fibrosis and my mom has been diagnosed with signs of dementia (memory loss and balancing issues, she falls a lot.) It really, really sucks to see your parents get old and getting sick. Wishing the best for you and your family.

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March 6, 2024 3:45 pm

jwh

Sending some love your way, Raja. Thank you for sharing with us, your words and music.
heart

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March 10, 2024 10:44 pm

v0

heart

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March 11, 2024 3:18 pm

PieBaron

Sorry to hear that Raj, it must be so hard on you, I hope you are at least in good physical health. My family just one generation back was super close and nuclear and now we are all scattered around the planet, I can completely relate to you regarding the disconnect in this / later generation(s), I get crazy anxiety when I have to even just talk to almost any of them.
The track made me think of my brain, its so hard not to have a discombobulated brain, so hard to focus, especially when you have anxiety or depression, even when its on creative and fun tasks.
I didn't know about the what~ object, it sounds really cool, so you can send it a list? of like 0.1, 0.2, 0.3 etc, and when input signal crosses those values it sends impulses? damn that sounds powerful.. makes me want to play with max again.. would be so cool if the list(s) were dynamic, and the what~ object triggered ramps going into other what~ objects.. damn max is awesome.
Anyway, stay strong, you have such a good following on here and support from so many people, I hope that can lift your spirits. Keep on making your crazy stuff.

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March 11, 2024 6:50 pm

Artist

heart

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March 12, 2024 10:51 pm

Q-Rosh

Hello, hope you are fine. I feel with your sorrows, as I lost my father in November last year. For me it helped to write and play melancholic tracks this year. In your case, I see your part more in the experimental elite of WB. May your visions of music give us inspiration and encouragement this year. Thank you for everything.

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March 18, 2024 7:29 pm

Sodabelly

Ah dude, I'm sorry to hear that. My dad was just cleared from something pretty scary just to find out a week later that my mom has something potentially very serious going on...hope you're able to keep jamming smile

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March 22, 2024 9:49 pm

mzunguko

So sorry to hear about that, the only thing I have to offer is my ears and my heart. Know that everything positive I have to offer is being sent your way.

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April 3, 2024 8:19 pm

orangedrink

yo dude, love you and miss you and hope you are well

can 100% relate to everything you said.  also a "decentralized" sri lankan-american and have no idea about any relat-ives and my queerness has also separated me from my stateside family, so what is left?

most lgbtq folks are not born in lgbtq families so we are "decentralized" by default.  great comment and thoughts.

I just want to give you a huge hug from a far and let you know that even though you are by yourself, you are not alone!

one awesome thing about music (especially recorded music), is that it requires no language, no country, no time, no nothing and we can be together.  my eardrums will vibrate the way your eardrums vibrated and we will be together in that experience.

miss you buddy, hang in there and can't wait to hear from you again.

(lol cool track or whatever)

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