This song was a whirlwind. There was a lot of crying.
I've been challenging myself to sing and write lyrics, and the idea for these lyrics came at 2am on a Monday, and the song shortly thereafter. Worked on it with a mentor of mine, who suggested singing some harmonies - and then talking with the wonderful jwh, he very generously offered to record those harmonies for me - and what he made was just heavenly, and one of the nicest things anyone's ever done for me. Thank you Josh, again, from the bottom of my heart.
There's some guitar, and my fingers hurt; there's piano, a music box, and other post-rocky sounds. And a fuck ton of tears.
Lyrics and the story follow - it's a fucking sad depressing story, so I'll put it behind a spoiler, but I refuse to content-warning what is a deeply personal experience in my life, so consider yourself warned and that's about that.
‹ Lyrics and Chris
In the winter of 2016, I was sitting in the living room around Christmas, knitting - as you do - when a late-evening bus drove by outside the front windows, its interior all lit up and glowing against the night snow, and I had an instant flashback - sitting on a bus when I was maybe 12, 13, everything smelling of warm wet rubber and exhaust and damp, my childhood friend Chris sitting next to me, having just come from the movies in the theatre across town. The bus was so warm we'd taken off our jackets - it was like riding a sauna in a snowstorm.
In that moment in the living room I could smell the bus, I could feel the damp and the heat, I was right there, and I was right there with my friend, transported to my childhood from 20 years earlier in my living room.
I did what a lot of people do these days when they're reminded of an old friend - I typed his name into google. I searched for a good 20 minutes and found almost nothing - he wasn't on Facebook (neither was I), not even an old Myspace page, no mention of him anywhere.
Then I found an obituary from a few years previous, and in the manner of most internet obituaries, it was vague - there were a lot of people named Chris with his name, and this particular obituary sounded like it fit, but didn't mention his age, not much mention of family or details that would have confirmed this was "my" Chris.
In my heart I knew - but I didn't actually have the means to confirm. And so like many sorrows I let it drift.
In 2023, Instagram in one of its strange, horrible coincidences, decided to show me a post from someone I didn't follow on the 'explore' page - it was from Chris' sister. And it was her memorializing Chris on the anniversary of his death.
It took me a few days to message her - she was happy he was well remembered, and very forwardly told me Chris had suffered from substance abuse, depression, and finally took his own life.
If I ramble on about what Chris meant to me I'd never stop typing. But we shared a lot - he was one of the first friends I had with whom I felt comfortable. He also introduced me to The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which has been endlessly important in my life growing up as a gay man. And a weirdo at that.
I've been mourning him in a real way since talking with his sister in 2023, but this song was the first attempt at some kind of catharsis, to bring this into focus. I cried a lot this week.
Thank you again, Josh, and Jeremy, for helping me bring this tribute into being.
Lyrics
Took off our jackets
Warm winter bus ride
We bought some theater mints
and a watered-down coke
Trailers and sci-fi
and you beside me
Summer forever
and dimmed movie lights
We were climbing drain pipes
swinging on tree vines
Heat-stroke and water slides
and the midnight rain
I couldn't understand
Never found the words
I missed you
and now you're gone
(double time here)
We're a weirdo-fiction
double feature
Racing inlines
into a rocky future
Skating space-time
Lost all meaning
Summer forever
under the setting sun
We're a weirdo-fiction
double feature
Racing inlines
into a rocky future
Skating space-time
Lost all meaning
Summer forever
... but it's cut too short.
There was a lot of production on this piece and it's not perfect but it wasn't meant to be - but if you have any questions, ask away.
