Pathogen Pawn
By Tone Matrix on June 26, 2022 3:39 pm
this looked much smaller when I was uploading in the morning... now that I've had a few hours til the upload goes live, I'm wondering if I've said too much so i do apologize for the length of this "description". But I think in the end I needed to let this out. You can just listen to the music and not worry about having to comment on what's below but it will give you some extra backstory to who I am. I don't have many friends... but I've considered this community to be one big happy friend since I joined WB in 2014.... so here goes muffin.
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Seriously was not feeling any energy or motivation to work on anything this week.
Let's not sugarcoat it... Between the state of this pathetic government and my own mental state it's been one shitty week. I sought some medical advice/help this week and instead had my request ignored completely and turned into a "let me prescribe you something" sales pitch.
I apologize in advance but I feel pretty close to most of you on here just from all the music, laughs & ideas we've shared thru the years.
I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for most of my life but in the past ten years it's become a bit uncontrollable. Without WB I probably would have spiraled even further.
My problem lately is feeling like an insurance number to most of the doctors and specialists I've seen. If you tell a medical professional "I do not want meds because I do not trust myself around them anymore". You would hope they understand you and try to take a different approach. Instead they just nodded their head and read a bunch of generic questions that I got asked about a month ago. Ya know the "do you sleep, do you eats?" Again I told them "No thank you, Pill_pusha" and left feeling worse and hopeless.
Two hours later my pharmacy called me with a new prescription for antidepressants. *facepalm*
Also I know that medication can help some people with the right care but let's just say it does NOT work for me.
The doc ignoring me I realize is a small thing but it just compounded on top of everything going on.
In so many words in 2012 I almost gave up.... I don't want to trigger anyone or even myself but it wasn't something I was proud of. I stumbled some more and really haven't bounced back to the point where I feel like myself again. The only thing that has helped create more positivity and the feeling of productivity is my family and this community.
So I'm not sure exactly why I am puking this out now but I guess it's been that type of week where you just feel like you need to let it all !@#$ing out. The friends closest to me have had enough and been pushed away. That is something I still haven't learned how to move on from. I'm trying each day but it's the little things like that doctor ignoring my plea or the rabid increase in hate in this country that bring me down even more.
I didn't want to open Ableton this week. I didn't want to sit down at the keyboard. Thankfully I did.
I accidentally listened to an old 'show_opener' track I did for the quasi-nu-metal band I used to be in back in 2000.
That was technically the last time I got to play a live show and perform in front of people. Nothing huge just your typical dive bar in a college town, Gainesville, Florida. But it was probably the highlight of my short lived performing career. We all wanted to be the next Linkin Park, Spineshank, Staind, etc kind of band. I mashed my keyboard with a white noise preset and played with the pitch and filters sounding like a fake turntable while my friends rocked out with their drums, bass, guitars and raging vocals.
The intro was my favorite part of the show because I was the geek on stage with my mini vangelis rig (jk it was 2 keyboards with a towel underneath for support lol) I'd play spooky movie samples on my EMU ESI32 sampler (with a Zip drive!) and open with a 2-3min instrumental while the fog machine fogged on. Each lil pad sweep you hear was meant to serve as place marker for each band member entering the stage. Yes I watched way too many concert videos.. Oh and yes we all wore big hoodies and hid under the hoods. At least I did because it was one size too big. We stopped one step short of trying to be Slipknot I think lol. Angsty college kids *shrug*.
Soooo finally getting to the point.... This track is mainly that intro track but I recycled some parts and also had to chop up the movie sample at the end for copyright purposes of course (but left the important phrase I guess you can say). The sparse piano was added today. So it's kind of a collaboration between young_angsty_naive_me and old...
I miss that young naive feeling I had back then. The cocky kid back then thought he was on his way to becoming a film composer/hardcore keyboard player lol.
So take some old angst and turn it into new I guess is what I went for. With a dash of hopelessness and paprika.
I'll be fine. I just need some sleep.
Oh and for those curious.. the band was called Pathogen.
Thank you for taking this awkward exhaustive trip down memory lane. Next week's story will be one sentence!
To anyone who relates just a bit, high fives and hugs to you.
Audio works licensed by author under:
CC Attribution Share Alike (BY-SA)
